Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Rifle Kid

Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Rifle Kid


– IT’S THE VIEW OUTSIDE
PEOPLE’S DOORS AND WINDOWS THAT HAS WALNUT CREEK NEIGHBORS
DOING DOUBLE TAKES. YES, THAT’S A GUY WITH A RIFLE
STRAPPED ACROSS HIS BACK WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK. – THIS IS MY GRANDDAD’S GUN
FROM WORLD WAR II. – 19-YEAR-OLD JOHN SCHULTZ
ALSO WEARS A BULLETPROOF VEST, CARRIES AMMO, AND KEEPS A KNIFE. – I HAVE ZIP TIES ON AS WELL,
JUST IN CASE. – MY KIDS DON’T EVEN
COME OUTSIDE ‘CAUSE THEY’RE SCARED. – HIS WALKS VARY, DAY AND NIGHT. IT’S MOSTLY FOR PICKING UP
GARBAGE. – IT’S NOTHING TO DO
WITH THE GUN OR THE BODY ARMOR. IT’S THE PERSON. – BUT THERE’S TILL THE GUN
AND THE BODY ARMOR. – YEAH, IT JUST SO HAPPENS
TO BE THERE. – GUNS WERE SO COOL
BEFORE NERDY WHITE KIDS STARTED USING THEM TO GET EVEN. THAT’S G.I. JOHN, AND SO
HELP YOU GOD IF YOU LITTER IN HIS PREDOMINANTLY
COLORED…FUL NEIGHBORHOOD. JOHN IS WHAT WE Y.A. FANS
WOULD CLASSIFY AS A DAUNTLESS. WE WOULD’VE AIRED THIS
REDEMPTION A FEW WEEKS AGO, HAD IT NOT BEEN
FOR A MUCH MORE DISTURBING GUN-TOTING LUNATIC ON THE NEWS. WHAT KIND OF COUNTRY
DO WE LIVE IN WHERE AN ASSHOLE COMEDIAN
LIKE ME IS PULLING BITS OFF THE AIR
OUT OF RESPECT? EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL COMFORTABLE AS LONG AS JOHN
AVOIDS CHURCHES, MALLS, ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS,
AND MOVIE THEATERS… OR VIRGINIA TECH. I KNOW PIRATING MOVIES
IS A CRIME, BUT DIVING
ON TOP OF MY GIRLFRIEND TO KEEP HER FROM GETTING SHOT
SEEMS A LOT WORSE. WHY IS IT THE FOLKS
WHO WANT GUNS FOR PROTECTION HAVE THE LEAST TO PROTECT? NOBODY IS TRYING TO STEAL
YOUR BOWLING TROPHIES OR YOUR 46-INCH VIZIO. POLICE GET A FREE GUN JUST
FOR DROPPING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL AND COMPLETING
AN OBSTACLE COURSE. AS SOON AS PRESIDENT TRUMP
LOOKS INTO IT, GUN VIOLENCE
WON’T BE A PROBLEM ANYMORE. HE’S NOT SURE HOW OR WHEN,
“BUT IT’S GONNA BE TREMENDOUS.” GUNS ARE THE ONLY WAY
STUPID PEOPLE CAN WIN ARGUMENTS. THEY’RE LIKE
UNCIRCUMCISED PENISES. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE
HAVE THEM, BUT WHEN I HOLD ONE,
I’M UNCOMFORTABLE. BUT DESPITE THE RIFLE,
BODY ARMOR, AND ARYAN-NATION HAIRCUT, JOHN MAKES A LOT OF SENSE. THAT’S WHY I FLEW HIM
TO HOLLYWOOD, WHERE LIBERAL CELEBS
WHO HATE GUNS GET RICH MAKING MOVIES
THAT GLORIFY THEM IN THIS WEEK’S WEB REDEMPTION. [UPBEAT MUSIC] THANK YOU. I’M EXCITED TO BE AROUND ME TOO. METEOROLOGISTS PREDICT
A STRONG EL NIÑO THIS YEAR. WITH A NAME LIKE THAT,
DONALD TRUMP THINKS THAT MEANS IT WILL GROW UP TO BE A CRIMINAL
AND A RAPIST. [LAUGHTER] I KID THE DONALD. LET’S MEET OUR PANEL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HE’S ONE OF MY
FAVORITE COMICS BECAUSE HALF OF HIS ACT
IS ABOUT ME. [LAUGHS] I KID. PLEASE WELCOME
COMEDIAN ANDY KINDLER. – THANKS, BILL.
YOU’RE A RACIST HACK. – SHE’S ONLY OUT HERE BECAUSE I DON’T TRUST HER
ALONE BACKSTAGE: MY HOOKER. AND FINALLY, HE’S KNOWN
FOR SCARING HIS NEIGHBORS WHEN HE’S UNNECESSARILY
PATROLLING THE STREETS WITH A LOADED GUN, MY OLD JOB, JOHN THE RIFLE KID,
EVERYBODY. ALL RIGHT.
LET’S GET STARTED. – I HAVE AN IDEA. WHY DON’T YOU PRACTICE
YOUR HORRIBLE MONOLOGUE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR
BEFORE THE SHOW SO IT DOESN’T
CRACK YOU UP SO MUCH? – NICE. I’M GLAD YOU GREW
YOUR HAIR OUT. YOU LOOK LESS CREEPY NOW. – OH, YEAH. – HOW OFTEN DO YOU PATROL
YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD? – WHEN I’M BORED. – SO HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK?
ONCE A WEEK? – PROBABLY THREE OR FOUR
TIMES A DAY. – THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY. – IT CAN BE, YOU KNOW, 3:00 A.M. – YOU PATROL AT 3:00 A.M.
WITH A LOADED RIFLE? – IN THE VIDEO,
YOU SEE THE BOLT OPEN. I’VE ACTUALLY HAD POLICE
COME TO ME AND SAY, “IT’S NOT SMART TO BE WALKING
AROUND WITH AN UNLOADED GUN,” AND THEY’VE TAKEN IT FROM ME
AND LOADED IT AND SAID, “YOU’RE WALKING AROUND
WITH A BRICK, ESSENTIALLY.” – WHICH ALSO COULD
DO A LOT OF DAMAGE. – HAVE YOU EVER TRIED
TO SWITCH THINGS UP AND ACTUALLY, LIKE,
THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE SAYING? YOU KNOW, JUST FOR–
JUST FOR A CHANGE. – IS YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD
PREDOMINANTLY BLACK? – YES. – DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY BLACK PEOPLE WOULD BE
A LITTLE CREEPED OUT BY A WHITE GUY WALKING AROUND
WITH A RIFLE? – OH, YEAH. I UNDERSTAND, BUT, YOU KNOW,
I’M NOT GONNA STOP. YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT
IT’S PART OF THE CONSTITUTION AND THE BILL OF RIGHTS
THAT, YOU KNOW, WE NEED TO SERIOUSLY STEP UP. – DO YOU RACIALLY PROFILE? – NO. I HAVE A LOT OF–
– THAT’S GOOD. – I HAVE A LOT OF BLACK FRIENDS
IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD THAT RESPECT ME. IN FACT, WHEN I GOT STOPPED
BY THE NEWS, YOU KNOW,
AND THEY WERE FILMING, I WAS STANDING AT THE CORNER. THEY PULLED UP. THEY WERE LEAVING
TO GO KAYAKING. – BLACK PEOPLE GOING KAYAKING? – OH, HELL YEAH. – THAT, MY FRIEND, IS THE GREATEST THING
I’VE EVER HEARD. – THIS SHOW RELIGI-SUCKS. HUH? – WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE PART
OF THE SECOND AMENDMENT? THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS
OR THE PART ABOUT MILITIAS? – MILITIA. – WHY NOT JOIN THE MILITARY? – I HAVE ALLERGIES AND ASTHMA. – YOU’RE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR. UGH. POLLEN WILL RUIN MY DAY. – ONE TIME, [BLEEP] PEED ON ME. – OH. AND THE BULLETPROOF VEST–
DO YOU THINK THAT’S A BIT MUCH? – THIS IS FOR ME. – IS THERE A LOT OF GUN FIGHTS
GOING ON IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD? – OH, YEAH.
WE’RE OUT IN THE COUNTY. YOU CAN SHOOT GUNS,
AND THERE’S BEEN DRIVE-BY SHOOTINGS
IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD, LIKE, THE DAY AFTER I MOVED OUT. – YOU’VE SINCE
LEFT THAT COMMUNITY. – YES.
– YOU’RE IN A NEW COMMUNITY, I HOPE DOING
THE SAME CRAZY STUFF. YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE LITTER? – YEAH, AND–
– WHAT DO YOU SAY? – I’LL TALK TO ‘EM. – ARE YOU LEGALLY ALLOWED
TO SHOOT LITTERERS? – NO. – YOU EVER THINK
ABOUT ADDING A BAYONET TO THE RIFLE SO IT’S EASIER
TO PICK UP TRASH? – I HAVE. I HAVE. – ARE YOU A GOOD SHOT? – YES, I’M VERY PROFICIENT. – HOW MANY CONFIRMED KILLS
DO YOU HAVE? – THERE HAS TO BE A WITNESS
FOR A CONFIRMED KILL. – OKAY, YOU DON’T… – HEY, BILL,
YOU’RE 59 YEARS OLD, AND YOU WEAR GRAPHIC TEES
ONSTAGE. EXPLAIN YOURSELF. – I MEAN, BILLY, HOW LONG
IS THIS BORING-ASS SHOW AGAIN? – WHAT OTHER ACTIVITIES
DO YOU LIKE TO DO FOR GOOD EXERCISE? – I MEAN, LIFT WEIGHTS. – WHAT ABOUT THAT FIGHTING? THAT UFC STUFF. YOU LIKE THAT? – MM-HMM. IN FACT, MY PASTOR, RICK HOCKER, WAS ON THAT SHOW. – THE FIGHT CHURCH. – YOU GUYS LIKE TO SEE ME
FIGHTING ANOTHER PASTOR? – OH! THAT GUY’S A GENIUS. – THAT’S MY CHURCH. – YOU GO TO FIGHT CHURCH.
– YES. MY PARENTS WERE MARRIED
THERE, ACTUALLY. – DO THEY KISS THE BRIDE,
OR DOES HE, LIKE, PUT HER IN, LIKE,
A REAR-NAKED CHOKE HOLD? – [LAUGHS] – MY FAVORITE FRIDAY NIGHTS ARE WHEN YOU’RE ON HIATUS;
I LOVE IT. – YOU THINK OBAMA WOULD TRY
TO TAKE YOUR GUNS? – HOW? – I DON’T KNOW. YOU THINK HE’S DOING A GOOD JOB? – [LAUGHS] AT FAILING, YES. – BILL, I LOVE HOW
ALL YOUR JOKES ABOUT OBAMA FOLLOW THIS STRUCTURE: SOMETHING,
SOMETHING, THE– BOTH:
BLACK GUY. – THAT’S RIGHT. – WOULD AMERICA BE SAFER IF EVERYONE HAD A GUN? – [SCOFFS] – NO.
– NO. – WHAT IF EVERY AMERICAN
HAD TWO GUNS? ‘CAUSE I’VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO DO THAT COOL THING WHERE YOU HOLD, LIKE–
AND YOU’RE, LIKE, RUNNING DOWN A HALLWAY
OF A HOTEL JUST SHOOTING
BOTH SIDES. – DO THAT THING WHERE YOU BLAME THE AUDIENCE
WHEN THE JOKE IS WEAK. – COME ON. YOU GUYS COULD GIVE HIM
MORE FOR THAT. – RIGHT. IT’S THEIR FAULT! – ARE YOU PREPARED TO DIE
FOR YOUR CUL-DE-SAC? – WAIT ONE SECOND, JOHN. HEY, YOU KNOW, IF YOU
AND JIMMY FALLON HAD A BABY, IT’S FULL NAME WOULD BE “BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PEOPLE
WHO RUINED COMEDY.” – DO YOU THINK IT’S TOO EASY
TO GET A GUN? – IT’S TOO EASY FOR PEOPLE
TO GET GUNS ILLEGALLY. – HOW DO WE FIX THAT? – I HAVE NO CLUE. – PERSONALLY, I BELIEVE
THAT STRONGER BACKGROUND CHECKS AND INCREASED FUNDING
FOR MENTAL HEALTH WILL SUBSTANTIALLY REDUCE
GUN VIOLENCE. – THAT’S NOT WHAT
I’M PAYING YOU FOR. ARE YOU IN GOOD MENTAL HEALTH? YOU EVER BEEN TESTED?
– MM-HMM. – YOU HAVE? – MY MOM WORKS FOR THE VA. – WHAT, DID SHE GIVE YOU
JUST A FREEBIE? – MM-HMM. SHE’S A MENTAL-HEALTH NURSE
AS WELL. – AND SHE SAYS YOU’RE FINE. THAT’S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR. [GUNSHOT] – I THOUGHT HE HAD A GUN. – WHY WOULD I HAVE A GUN? I’M A JEW. I WAS JUST HOPING
TO GET MY PARTING VALIDATED BEFORE I SAID THIS NEXT
HORRIBLE THING ABOUT BILL. – MAYBE THERE IS A GOD. – THAT’S THE FUNNIEST THING
YOU’VE EVER SAID. – THAT WAS SEXY
AS [BLEEP]. – IT’S MY GRANDFATHER’S RIFLE. – LET’S GET OUT OF HERE. – THERE’S NO WAY I’M PAYING
FOR THE FULL HOUR. LOOKS LIKE I’LL BE TAKING SANTA
MONICA BOULEVARD HOME TONIGHT. I KID. ALL RIGHT. THAT’S OUR SHOW.
THANKS TO OUR PANELISTS. ALSO, COME SEE ME LIVE. I WILL BE PERFORMING
AT THE PECHANGA CASINO, THE MOHEGAN SUN CASINO, AND THE MORONGO CASINO. BASICALLY ANY CASINO WITH A DREAM-CATCHER
IN THE LOGO. GOOD NIGHT. YET ANOTHER COMEDY BRIDGE
BURNED.

100 thoughts on “Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Rifle Kid

  1. Ah, thank you edgy white kid for protecting the neighborhood with 50+ year old bolt action rifle and totally not running away crying like a bitch if something actually happened.

  2. Dudes walking around with a bolt action rifle. He had at most 4 shots with the internal magazine that gun has, and its a BOLT ACTION gun. Iโ€™m less scared of him then a guy with hedge clippers.

  3. i support this guy….it really is more about the principal…this kid isn't going to stop any crimes. but he may be dissolving the stigma of "non-cops" having guns. We can't rely on police all the time, if ever…

  4. THIS IS MY RIFLE! THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT, BUT THIS ONE IS MINE! AND I'LL CARRY IT WITH GOOD INTENTIONS WHENEVER I WANT TO! GOD BLESS AMERICA! GOD SAVE THE REPUBLIC!

  5. Hey hey cpt Jack…meet me down by the railroad tracks…. with rifle in your hand… …i'm gonna be A..punk ass lil bitch gomer pile lookin virgin ass pale face! Hoooah…(u may not totally get this of u dont have DD 214!๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿค˜๐Ÿฟ๐Ÿ–•๐Ÿฟ๐Ÿ‘จ๐Ÿฟโ€โœˆ๏ธ

  6. Oh, and Virginia Tech and Pulse nightclub were committed by an Asian and an Arab, and they held the high score by more than a dozen for years.

  7. "What kind of country do we live in where an asshole like me is pulling bits off the air out of resepct?" ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  8. Waaaaaaaah, MY kids ,sniff,sniff, are scared to come outside! Move bitch, this is America, the right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed bitch!

  9. I know this kid is now in his early 20s and hopefully has grown up a bit, but…did he not know about masturbating when he was a teen? "I get bored 3-4 times a day'…When I was 19 and I was bored and didn't know what to do with myself I pounded one out. Problem solved. Especially at 3 in the morning.

  10. I strongly believe in a similar system that Isreal. Mandatory two years military experience after high school. Since guns are apart of our culture then everyone should be trained how to use one correctly. Give everyone a gun and watch the crime drop. But unless everyone has that training then people could cause just as much if not more harm than good.

  11. Published in october of 2015, somehow makes president Trump joke. How? Trump wasn't president till late 2016 and wasn't inaugurated until 2017. Was it a preemptive move? Anticipatory joke? Or like time travel? Soothsaying?

  12. I honestly think Daniel Tosh should interview Mass Shooters, Terrorist and the President. I bet he would get all the answers to all our questions. Tosh can level the playing ground to any psycho when it comes to opening up and just talking.

  13. Why is that black mom so afraid to let her kids go outside? That scrawny white kid is just looking for criminals! It's like:

    Black Kids: "Mom! There's a skinny white-boy with a rifle; he's patrolling the 'hood for criminals!"
    Black Mom: "Don't go outside!"
    Makes me wonder why she won't let her kids go outside……hmm……..?

  14. I would like to be in that kid's position because I love guns and support the second amendment and he got the girl in the end. Let's be honest…. that hooker was hot.

  15. That may be his grandfather's rifle but he must of fought for the British because that is a sporterized enfield rifle from the UK

  16. The black chick attempting to sound smart completely contradicts the problem rifle kid brought up in that itโ€™s easy to get a gun illegally, which makes background checks useless (though Iโ€™m almost positive that line was written for her, which makes it even sadder. Idiots.).

  17. I wish I lived there I guarantee he wouldnโ€™t be carrying that shit where me and my kids live and when he no longer can carry his gun you know he would no longer be walking around heโ€™s doing it cuz it gives him the feeling he is someone special or you basic tough guy the tough ones always have the guns

  18. Oh danial if only you libs werenโ€™t so foolish! You know who else didnโ€™t think citizens should own guns? Hitler! And right after the German government confiscated all the guns they murdered all the citizens dumb enough to think they can trust the government! Duhhhhhh

  19. "This is my grandpa's gun from WW2" LIES, unless grampy moved to America after the war I seriously doubt he would have carried a British Lee Enfield Jungle carbine. Even if he was a brit he probably wouldn't have that variant. They didn't make many of them and that was because they were a bad idea in the first place, it is a collectable though.

  20. regets are ture two sing need to approve my regets .please help .tosh.o..for legend in skateboard..with quit..my skateboard ing

  21. I mean its easy af to get guns. Took me like an hour to get my long guns license. Far less time them it took to join the army and I shouldn't be trusted with either.

  22. Protecting freedom you sellout. Maybe when you turn 50 in a few years you will understand. Unless the rogaine has permanently damaged your Florida brain.

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