What’s up greg, I hope you’re all having a great 2019. Welcome back to another episode of- *squints at camera screen* What the fuck? Where did all of these nutcrackers come from? *clunk clunk clunk* *more clunk* *dramatic music* (together) Wanna make a video? [Danny] What’s up, Greg, I hope you’re all having a great 2019. I know I am. How about you Drew? [Drew] No. [Danny] Okay! [Drew] So I think it’s safe to say that everyone knows by now, we are both celibate. [Danny] Yes, both virgins. [Drew] Big virgins Very celibate. Despite both being married. Yeah. [Danny] Despite both having wives, we’re virgins for lives. [Drew] Virgins for lives despite the wives. [Danny] Despite the fact that everybody on the internet knowing that were both virgins that doesn’t stop people from imagining a world in which we’re not. [Drew] We’re not virgins. [Danny] I’ve been sent this fanfic a few times and I think Drew has as well. [Drew] Yeah, a couple times. [Danny]It’s called house of gold and it appears to be a fanfiction about, uh, Drew and I. [Drew] Which is crazy! I would never do the things that are written in this. No. Absolutely not. Drew disgusts me. He’s an awful looking guy and he’s even worse on the inside. I look awful on the inside. Yeah, he’s all bloody and slimy. There’s like, muscle mass. It’s very gross to look at. Is there though? What did you say? Okay, so there’s this fanfiction called house of gold. It’s- it actually has two point five thousand reads, which is pretty surprising a fanfiction about us has a couple thousand views. Apparently this is about Danny moving in with his best friend and secret crush Drew Gooden. That’s me. After his GF died in Afghanistan, going to war and then one night drew gets drunk and then *faces* Find out. Ooohoohoo! Also when it says after his GF died I’m not sure if that means mine or yours. Also we’re both.. married. And there are nine parts to this. I’m curious to see how much of this is taken from reality, like, cuz right off the bat It’s wrong that we have girlfriends and it’s even more wrong that one of our significant others was in war in Afghanistan. Danny looked at the apartment where his best friend and crush of three years waited He saw him in the window and waved at him as his heart started beating so fast No ‘too fast’. Beating too fast. Oh, why did I read that as so fast? Because they spelled it wrong. Also, I like ‘beating too fast’ like it sounds like a medical emergency. Oh, it’s Drew, hey- Oh, f- Ah, fuck. The story just ends right there. He collapses to the ground . . and dies(rip). Hey silly! Get in! He said and and hen gulped and pulled his luggage into the house. Is hen another character? Yeah, there’s like a hen in the corner. Just one quick shot *gulp* So a hen gulped and pulled your luggage into my house Oh, hen is like the butler of the house. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so this is based on reality. (laughs) Oh, forgot you have a hen butler. A hen butler. Yeah. Drew hugged him. Should we reenact this as we go? Uh, yeah. Yeah so Drew hugged him. While you just like stand there trying to figure out why your heart’s beating so fast. “I’ve been so lonely since Amanda went missing in Afghanistan.” Wh- she went missing? I thought she died. I guess she went missing and we assumed she died. What, did she go rogue? I’d just like to imagine that Amanda- who would never, she would never go to war in the first place- But then while there she like has her own side mission she feels she needs to accomplish while she’s there. That’s so brace of her. She loved you. Drew stared at him for a minute. Alright. No, I’m still having a heart attack It hasn’t been a minute yet. Let’s get you settled in. And then he helped him into his room. It’s a one-bedroom place. So you’ll have to share a room with me. He smiled at him. 🙂 (: It’ll be like a sleepover! Totally! Then there was a knock at the door and Danny followed Drew to the door, Where they found a girl with long brown hair and big purple eyes waving. Her eyes were waving? (dok dok dok dok) They’re purple! Whoa, what the fuck! Hi? Said Drew. Hi. She said, flipping her hair back revealing her badass studded belt Hey, her hair was in the way of her belt. I’m picturing when she flips it back like this if it’s covering your belt she- (pshwEE) Her badass studded belt around her black jeans and black top, that had sleeves to her middle arm. Wait, what? To her middle arm- her third of three arms. So, basically purple eyes. Everything else is black. She’s kind of goth. I’m your neighbor Jackie! She said happily. (fun fact Jackie is the name of the fanfic’s author) I feel- okay, there’s no consistency with her character already. Like she’s dressed to the brim of being very goth and she’s just like: I’m your neighbor! Wait and I already live here. It’s not saying I’m moving, you’re coming to live with me And she’s coming to introduce herself. And then we both shake her hand. I’m assuming at the same time. So she’s standing there like this. And then the interaction ends: If you need anything, come on over. She said and then left. She was nice. Wait, so this interaction is: Hi, I’m your neighbor Jackie. If you need anything, let me know. She was nice. And pretty cute. And Danny felt a pain in his heart As his heart attack contiues. Was Drew totally straight? He always wondered if he was bi because of how he flirted with him sometimes on Skype. We’ve interacted, we’ve hung out, but we never flirt in real life- in this universe. There’s never like sexual tension when we hug or whatever. It’s only through Skype. He didn’t know if he would tell him he’s gay and is in love with him. Then, Drew gave him a sweet smile and he felt warm again. 🙂 So this is the second part now we’re onto the second part. This part is called ‘heavy’. Drew made a drink for him and Danny sat..at the couch? Not on it, uh, at the couch. Like I’m sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the couch. Take that couch! “They turned on a movie and watched some funny TV shows.” We turned on a movie, ignored it, then watched some funny TV shows and drank all nights until it was seven am in the morning. Drew pointed at the rising sun. Hey Dan look! Dan stumbled over and then tripped and fell right into my arms. Woah! Oh, sorry! Suddenly they were starting in each other’s eyes. Their faces started itching closer and closer. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Oh! Drew blushed and let go of the embrace and went to the door. Hello? He asked as he opened the door. Then there were two guys in black ski masks and they grabbed drew and threw him down the apartment stairs and they ran off. They kidnapped him! (oh!) Danny tried to run after the van but couldn’t run as fast as the car. Obviously. Cause it’s a car Yeah, although that would be a cool different part of this story If I was like an Olympic sprinter if I caught up to the car just grabbed onto the back bumper and stopped it He called the cops and cried in the apartment. Then suddenly He got a message on youtube that said if you want to see him alive again make a video about ten reasons Why the Paul brothers are awesome and you’re wrong he gasped (gasping) Wait. Prediction: is this person more of a fan of the Paul brothers and this is a fanfiction Wherein we just admit that the Paul brothers are better than us. This isn’t a fanfiction where we fall in love, It’s a fanfiction where like you get kidnapped and murdered and I have to make a video Apologizing or you’ll get murdered too. Yeah. Okay. So this is the next part it just skips ahead in time There was a knock at the door. Danny went over to it and gasped (more gasping) Logan Paul! Meanwhile somewhere in coastal rica, Drew had a bag on his head and he was punched hard. Let me go! I never got to tell Danny I love him! Well in that case.. Then he was shoved into a van and they started driving What? Are they gonna take you back so I can tell you I love you? They kidnapped you and took you to a different country, Punched you once and you said but wait, I want to go back and tell him I love him. Okay, fine! Okay, Danny made tea for Logan and him and Logan looked at him sweetly. Looked at who sweetly? Me and Logan both looked at me sweetly. (staring at danny) Mmm! I’m so sorry the team ten will help you find him. I almost kissed him before he… It’s okay. They looked sweet at each other. You look sweet. You look sweet. I’m always here for you. Logan leaned in and kissed Danny lightly on the lips and in a moment of desire and Desperate he pulled Logan close and kissed him harder. They started making out and Logan got on Danny and started rubbing on him. They made out and Wiggled around the couch until Danny broke away. They made out and wiggled around the couch. I pictured those as two separate activities. It’s like they made out Yeah, and then they got on the couch and just sort of like wiggled around. I can’t.. Drew.. “Oh.. but he was a loser!” It’s a question. But he was a loser? Go Logan go away. Go Logan go away! Go Logan go away! And he grunted and left mad. Danny went to his room to cry. Alright Part four: The door slowly opened and Drew limped into the apartment and fell on the floor. Danny! He said hoarsely that’s not hoarse like ugh that’s horse like horse. So I say it as a horse would say it: [as a horse that sounds like scooby doo] Danny! Drew! You’re a horse! And then you ran to pick him up and help him stand. Drew grabbed him and hugged him tight and sudden his lips started touching his and they kissed. And they made out right there. Right there?! Right there! In the apartment? Gross! When they stopped they smiled at each other. Be my boyfriend? Yes. What is that interaction? That’s like- none of the dialogue in this is like, natural. Be my boyfriend? Yes. But I have to tell you Drew Before you came back Logan was here and, and, and we made out. Logan Pail?! He roared. Roar, you have to roar it. Logan PAIL?! LOGAN PAIL!!! I’m sorry Drew started crying and ran down the stairs then Jackie looked Drew’s way that he was running and then came in. Danny was crying and Told her what was going on. So Jackie was just like standing outside. Just waiting. After the last interaction ended She went outside and waited. Yeah, she’s like let me know if you need anything. And she’s just outside the door. You should do something romantic to show your story and that he is your one and only. You’re right! He wiped the tears off and Jackie grabbed a camera and started recording. Why? Danny looked Soully into the camera with love in his eyes. Hi Gregs, today I finally told Drew I love him Like I said I would. Did I tell my YouTube audience that I was gonna tell Drew I love him? I guess so. Hey, uh I know there’s like 1.8 million of you. But please nobody tell Drew, Weird flex, but okay. I’m gonna tell Drew I love him in my next video, please no one spoil the surprise! What did you say? But before that someone else came over and I kissed them. I love you Drew and it will never happen again. You are my light and joy, and I would be proud to be Be your husband. Then Jackie whipped a tear- Wh- whipped a tear Whipped a tear from her face and sniffled and turned off the camera. This part’s called the story so far Is this just like a recap of everything we read? Warning: suicide and sex scene. They gave it away! What the fuck is gonna happen? Suicide and sex scene?! Meanwhile in chigaco Drew Was at a sushi restaurant when someone sat beside him. Drew Gooden? He said. He looked up. Jake Paul?! He almost flinched. How do you almost flinch? You only thought about it. I thought about flinching. So it was nothing physical. Exactly. Meanwhile in my head, Don’t flinch, don’t flinch!! Yeah, I heard you and Danny had a rough thing happen. Then he posted this. And he pulled out his phone and went to a video and Opened it to let him watch. Danny was looking at the camera intense and started talking. Today I finally told Drew it will never happen again. Never kiss him again. I am with someone else. And then there was a sniffled sound and someone was behind the camera? Danny started to cry silently But tried to look together. I think someone edited it. Yeah Yeah out of order to make it look like I’m saying something totally natural. Today I finally told Drew it will never happen again Never kiss him again. I am with someone else. And I’m just like this is so natural This is how he talks in real life. He uploaded a three-second long YouTube video. As he does. Let me buy you a drink. And Jake ordered Sake (an Asian drink) They started drinking and talking and laughing and having a good time. Maybe I was wrong about you Jake. Jake put his arm around him confroting Confrotingly. Confrotingly, of course, baby. They both drunkenly left the bar and stumbled to the hotel room Jake was staying in. Jake started kissing him and pushing him to the bed and they made out there. Then they started doing it but Drew didn’t know about the camera. It was being livestreamed! [dying] What the fuck, Jake? That’s illegal. Jake’s a freak. Damn I like how that whoever wrote this has such a way with words Like they really know how to write romance. They stumbled back to the hotel and started doing it. I love you Jake! Cried Drew on the stream. Danny and Jackie watched shocked and dumbfounded as they watched. Jackie looked at Danny then black at the video First I look at you then I look black, at the video. How could he Denny? Denny stromed around the house. Jackie tried to call him down. Denny?! DENNY!! But Danny opened the window and jumped. Jackie screamed and called 011 Did they write this in like 30 seconds? Just [vague typing sounds] And submit. No time to proofread, no time to edit. Wait. Do you know what zero one one is? No. All right, I’m calling zero one one *funky music* Your call could not be completed as dialed, Hello, my friend has just jumped off the balcony! Well, it looks like it’s- it’s the next part now. Drew woke up with a hangover and threw up. Ugh bleh Then he heard his phone ring and he picked it up. It was Jackie yelling I to the phone, I! I! I! I! And calling him shit for what he did to Danny. What? Said Drew he said he found someone else? What? No, he didn’t. I’m sending you the cideo he made for you. Then she hung up and he got the notification for it. He opened it and his lover spoke words of love right from the heart. He spun around and glared at Jake. *spinning* You liar! He screamed. Then he threw his phone at Jake and ran out. Meanwhile in the suicide hospital… Danny was sitting in a chair watching a TV show When a nurse said you have a guest. He expected Jackie again with some McDonald’s or something, but instead.. Drew. He flinched, okay At least I flinched this time instead of gasping again. Or thinking about flinching like I did. What do you want traitor?! He hissed at him. [Hissing] wHaT dO yOu WaNt??? Jake lied to me. He made me think you moved on and I slept with him Are we even? Can we be together? If you can forgive me. I do. Forgive me? Yes. Then they embraced and kissed. Danny pulled away and knelt down and pulled a box out. Thanks! I was going to do this somewhere better but, will you marry me? Uh, Drew cried happy tears and nodded and they made out again. Let’s get you out of here said Drew. My bones are still broken! I’m gonna rescue you from the hospital. You like grab me and hold my bones like- AAHH Danny got out of bed where his fiance was sleeping and he went I to the bathroom. Then he spotted something in the sink that he guessed drew forgot. He picked it out of the sink and looked it had two lines and was a pregnancy test? He busted out of the bathroom *sound fx* D-drew? He said and Drew sleepily got up and then gawked at what was in his hand. Wait… Gawk, dude. I-I… What is this?! Are you…? Wait what the fuck is happening? He looked down ashamed. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow to check. Please, go with me. What is this like the next day? We had sex for the first time last night, now I’m pregnant I woke up in the middle of the night to take a pregnancy test like an hour after we had sex and it already- You already had the pregnancy test. I already have the the results and I’ve already scheduled a doctor’s appointment. I’m ashamed but didn’t bother to hide the pregnancy test. You put it in- In the sink, not even the garbage can, in the- oh, no I’m conking out. They waited in the office of the doctor office. The doctor’s So important that his office has his own office. They went in and the doctor came into the checkup room They were in Are you his husband? Said the doctor. Danny nodded. Well, Mr. Gooden you are pregnant, and Mr. Gonzalez isn’t the father! What?! How can they tell? Okay, so it’s been two days, like, a pregnancy test can’t even tell for like two weeks, right? And then you can’t even Do a paternity test until the kid is born. They both drop their jaws. *ding ding* To be continue. I love that it says to be continue in the middle of the story. Imagine if you were reading a book and every chapter ended to be continue. Every page ended to be continue. White Wedding part 1: It was a hot July day and the concert hall was decked in white everywhere. Drew and Danny Invited their fans for free to see their wedding. Normally you charge money to go to a wedding. Ten dollars a pop, come on! But since you’re our fans We’ll let you come for free. But so many wanted to come that they had to get a concert hall. There was a preacher and a pretty white arch and music playing and food outside. In the room with drew He was putting on his white suit and brushing his hair. He got a knock at the door and someone popped in. It was Ethan and Hila Klein! The door didn’t open, The popping is like them teleporting into the room. H3! He said and they went over to hug him. I’m so excited for you said hula. Thanks. Ethan, Will you walk me down the aisle? Of course buddy. And he out out his arm, and he looked it and they walked slowly out. They stood at the start of the red carpet that went to the arch, and Drew laughed nervous. *strange laughter* And Ethan pat his arm. Who wrote this fucking story? Did a baby write this story? Not only do they not Know like what words are or when to use what words, but I feel like they’ve never seen humans interact. Mm-hmm They started walking as the wedding song started playing. The fans went crazy and clapped and they stopped at the preacher and stood by him and waited. They looked at the entrance and waited for Danny. First Jackie came out to be the bridesmaid and Jenna Marbles did too. Oh, Jenna’s here. Oh, that’s so nice of Jenna to come! Thanks for coming! Yeah, then PewDiePie came out with Danny on his arm. They both smiled and Danny blushed wearing his baby blue tux Drew started crying because he loved him so much. Thank you for explaining. Yeah Thanks for finally explaining why I would be crying at my own wedding. Danny stood across him and they looked at each other with misty eyes. The prest smiled at them both and started talking. Drew Gooden. Do you take Danny Gonzalez to be your husband to hold and love forever as long as you both live? Drew nodded. Yes, I do. And Danny Gonzalez, do you take Drew Gooden to be your husband to love and cherish as long as you live? Why did you get a different question? I have to hold you forever. And I have to cherish you forever. I do! Said Danny. If anyone thinks these two should not be married speak now. And the room got quiet and nobody breathed. Then someone stood up from the crowd and jumped on stage. It was Logan! Logan Paul?! Danny said. Yes, I don’t think they should get married. He’s carrying my baby! He shouted and the whole room gasped. Oh wait. Yeah, hold on. Hold on. I thought I was pregnant. I’m pregnant with Jake’s baby. Are you also pregnant with Logan’s baby? Did I also have sex with Logan? I guess he must be talking to me But I don’t know why he would know that I’m pregnant. Drew started crying and wished he was somewhere else. [through tears] I wish I was somewhere else! Then Ethan started going into Logan and push him away from the stage. He takes control of his body and starts pushing himself away. And Logan’s like get out of me! What’s going on? Ethan, I didn’t know you could do that! And suddenly fights are breaking out with all the fans and Drew and Danny ran away and the others escorted them. They all got to the limo and drove off fast. To be continued Danny! Drew! Come out here! Ethan and Hila and Jenna and Jackie and PewDiePie were outside the cabin they were staying in til everything blew over. Danny looked out the window and gasped. Of course. Of course, you’re gasping. I’m useless That’s that like that’s my response any time anything surprising happens. Just crippling shock. outside was a big tellise a big.. Tesla? A Telus? Telus with roses and lots of food on a table and music started playing. There was balloons and Everyone was wearing dressed up. No way! Who’s saying no way? Or is the author saying no way? The author is so surprised by what she’s about to write. Everyone was wearing dressed up and no way, they went outside?! She’s like amazed at her own ideas. Yeah. What is this? They both asked blushing. We felt bad about what happened So we made you a nice private wedding with just us said Jackie with a big smiled They all hugged and Ethan said I can marry you I do Jewish weddings, but it can still count for you. Then Danny put out his hand and Drew took it. Thanks. Shall we? Shall we? He nodded and took his hand. Again. Other hand. He led him to the roses and Ethan stood in between them. So imagine Ethan Klein right there. Right here. Now Drew Gooden do you take Danny Gonzalez to be your husband? Will you love and cherish him in sickness and health? I do, he said softly. And Danny Gonzalez, Do you take Drew Gooden to be your lovely husband through poor and riches for as long as you both live? Yes, I do said Drew back Wait, so I said it both times Yeah, he said- I said I do twice. You said I do for mine! Now Drew, Do you take Danny to be your husband? I do. And Danny do you take Drew? I do. First, Drew? Yes, babe? I want you to know I want to adopt the baby. Drew had happy tears in his eyes and Ethan said I now pronouns you man and husband. And then they fell into a kiss. WHOAOOPS Our faces like smack like that and we’re both like leaning against each other like- And that’s the end. So I dunno, what did you think of the story? Bad. I kinda liked it. I thought it was kind of sweet You liked the story about us falling in love, cheating on each other Getting pregnant and then marrying each other? In a way, I feel like It kind of just works. No, I don’t think so at all. Alright guy. I hope you enjoyed this video. If you did make sure you check out Drew’s channel It’ll be linked in the description It better be. Also there is a link in the description for a survey that we want you all to fill out. It’s titled Danny and Drew 2019 tour survey. There’s… no particular reason That it’s called that, it’s just sort of a random name And please don’t ask why we need you to fill out the survey. Yeah, the words don’t really mean anything But if you guys could fill that out for us But only do it once and if that’s something you wanted to see in a universe where we do hypothetically go on tour or whatever Sometime this summer then maybe fill that out and let us know where you want us to go and then we’ll go there. We will. We promise. Every single place- Well, we can’t.. we can’t promise – that you put in the in the survey- that’s definitely not true- we will go. I don’t want to be held to that. We are actually legally obligated by the terms of the survey to go to every single place- Please don’t say that, don’t do that, people are gonna get their hopes up when they tell us to go to the moon. Alright, well, I hope you enjoyed this video. If you’re new here, make sure you subscribe to join Greg We’re the fastest growing army on the Internet. Don’t look that up. Please, please for the love of God don’t look that up. It could end my career. And it will end mine. Thank you to Anna for turning on my notifications. You are truly Greg. I’ll see you guys next time where Drew kicks me in the knees so hard that he breaks them. Bye!